ZORI3 Evening

English 2323 with Zori3!
Starring Amanda, Disgruntled
English Stomper

After writing my first scathing book review for
Zori3, I feel kind of bad. Even if names will
never hurt you, writers are still generally
fragile people who need lots of hugs. In the
spirit of constructive (though still somewhat
bitter) criticism, I offer the following
suggestions to Mr. Leon, and anyone else in
the middle of a book us greedy readers can't
wait to consume.

1.)        When writing a book, have an
English Nazi edit, not a kid-gloves editor who
smiles a thin-lipped smile and meekly states:
“I found a couple of places for improvement.”
I’m talking about a slash-and-burn red-ink
spiller, who leaves a bloody trail through the
whole damn manuscript. Such a literary
serial killer will prevent the inclusion of gasp-
inducing whoopsies like the misspelling
“Zyklon B”.

2.)        Observe this all-important rule of
writing nonfiction: jokes are more effective
when used to punctuate scenes jam-packed
with factual information. Endless mockery
inevitably gets old and leads the reader to
believe that there’s no writerly intention (or
skill) outside of mockery. Even George Carlin
knows when to take a break. In the world of
reading by choice, this kind of run-on laugh
track is what we English nerds like to call
“boring.”

3.)        Before making fun of individuals in
occupations that frequently involve paper
hats and orthopedic shoes, keep in mind that
kicking folks when they’re down is not “funny”
but “elitist” and “asinine.” If you can’t handle
that, at least have the common sense to
refer to them by their proper titles, like
“hostess” instead of “receptionist.” After all,
I've had the courtesy to refer to Leon as
“writer” even though I’d rather call him “giant
douchebag.”

4.)        Don’t generalize the Midwest, or any
part of the country for that matter. It makes
you sound like an ignorant snob intent on
further dividing an already split country. If
you can’t resist this, please stop talking, and
please please stop writing. Remember what
Jon Stewart said on Crossfire about media
hurting instead of helping? This hurts. Stop.

5.)        Establish yourself as a reliable
narrator. When an account is so glaringly
bias, it becomes difficult to trust the narrator
to present fact. It’s perfectly plausible that
one of the women Leon dined with chuckled
with “hate-filled laughter” (15) but since he
already shredded the groups, it’s difficult to
trust him. It would be much more effective,
for example, to let the laughter stand as
laughter, and let the audience be appalled
(without coaching) by what she found funny.
Trust the reader to do that.

6.)        Be aware of yourself. I distinctly
remember multiple nonfiction professors
hammering into my head the importance of
being aware of your imperfections,
prejudices, and personal short comings. This
way, you can call yourself on your own
behavior inside the text, instead of having
the reader do it for you, and subsequently
turn against you. (See above reference to
English Stomper for example.)

7.)        Don’t leave your reader with so many
questions. (Snicker.)

8.)        What’s your point? If you can’t
answer this in a sentence or two, it’s time to
take a hard look at your manuscript and say,
“Oh shit.”