recipes, a review of Harmon Leon's
Republican Like Me, 4-1-1 on the
political happenings of Brazil, and so
very much more...
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does not recommend that anyone else follow suit. If you choose to experiment yourself, please do not
bring such things up at family dinners, or unfairly give Zori3 credit for your subsequent body failure.
Doctors go to schools for a long time to learn about bodies, and it might be worth it to consult them,
even if you don’t take them seriously. Really.
Symptoms
When I committed to moving to the Pacific Northwest, I did not know that Multnomah County is also
known as “allergy valley,” and that transplants frequently suffer a whole battery of health problems prior
to acclimating. The first blow was poor digestion. The consumption of any sugar, dairy, or wheat lead to
major phlegm build up, itchy eyes, and severe stomach bloating. My immune system became so weak I
developed all kinds of issues: strep throat, planter’s warts on my feet, and reoccurring upper-respiratory
tract infections. Even after eliminating allergy-triggering foods, my allergies were still out of control. I
developed eczema spots on the insides of both my arms, and I managed to itch away the skin around
my eyes, leaving them red and flaky. While strong allergy pills put a stop to most of the itching, it didn’t
make the red flakiness go away. The closest I came to a cure was stealing the antibiotic eye ointment
prescribed to my cat. This worked better than anything I’d been prescribed by dermatologists, doctors,
and ophthalmologists. (Note: Yes, I put cat goo in my eyes. Desperate, uninsured times call for
desperate measures--but I don’t recommend that anyone try this at home.)
How did I get here?
According to numerous semi-reliable web sources, my teenage passion for foods acquired through drive-
thru windows, followed by later-life reliance on foods which come sealed in sodium-packed boxes and
metal cans probably lead to the utter destruction of my body’s natural intestinal flora. Adding to the
arsenal of ick were my unstoppable sugar cravings, and the antibiotics consumed for a thousand
reasons. If you’ve even entered a student health clinic, you know that antibiotics are the default
prescription for everything, from food poisoning to binge drinking. Just like chemotherapy destroys
everything in its path in the quest to destroy cancer cells, antibiotics destroy all bacteria—good or bad.
Antibiotic use apparently often leads to popular problems like yeast overgrowth, chronic infections, poor
digestion, and allergies.
Will it work?
400 different kinds of bacteria and yeasts play house inside our digestive and intestinal tracts.
Lactobacillus acidophilus is among the positive kinds of bacteria. Considered “probiotic" due to its
intestinal positive points, numerous credible academic journals point to acidophilus as an important
natural defense against bacteria harmful to the human body, in particular Candida, which causes yeast
infections.
My hypothesis: if the antibiotic cat goo worked well on my eyes, then apparently a harmful type
of bacteria is causing the infection. Therefore, if I increase my intake of the positive bacteria
that actively works to combat negative bacteria, then perhaps I’ll find the cure that numerous
doctors informed me was unattainable.
The Results
Week One
I started with yogurt, and lots of it. I noticed almost immediately that my yogurt intake had a soothing
effect on my skin. I also couldn’t help but notice that my pants were beginning to feel tight in an unsexy
way, and my athletic activity was slowing down. Yogurt may be healthy, but it’s still dairy, and therefore
fattening as hell. If I’m going to pork out, I’d rather do it on pizza and candy instead of yogurt with the
consistency, flavor, and smell of sour cream.
So: after a lot of web research (and reading bottles in natural pharmacies) I decided to start out with
around 6 billion micro-organisms a day. I found a type of over-the-counter acidophilus (Jarrow brand,
$13 for a bottle of 90 capsules) where each pill offered 3.2 billion active cultures. I took two before bed
each night. By the third day, I noticed an odd development: truly disgusting gas. We’re talking a smell
akin to a dead body being pelted with rotten eggs. After some quick digging, I learned that this was
relatively normal and should be over in a week. I (literally) held my breath and accepted that Scooter the
cat would be avoiding me for a little while.
Week Two
Nasty fart syndrome did, in fact, fade, and Scooter began to love me again. With the passing (pun
intended) of this symptom, so went the itchy red eczema bumps on the insides of my arms. In fact, I
wasn’t really itching at all, except around my eyes. Needing some extra input on dosage, I went to a
naturopath for advice. She said: 1.) up the acidophilus dosage to 20 billion micros until my eyes get
better, and 2.) get some sleep. Sleep? I explained to her that three hours a night is totally acceptable,
and yes, I slept a total of ten hours in thirty days while I finished my master’s thesis, but my super powers
enable me to periodically accomplish inhuman feats, and it’s not my fault if she’s not similarly gifted. I
scoffed my way out of her office, but upped my dosage to 27 billion micros. My logic was that the extra
seven billion would allow me to continue to avoid sleep.
Week Three
My digestion improved, and my vagina felt sparkling happy. Unexpected perk: a reduction in my sugar
cravings, coupled with a new (and healthier) protein craving. Studies from the University of Maryland
Medical Center seem to support this result. L. acidophilus apparently produces lactase, the enzyme
which breaks down milk sugar (lactose) into simple sugars. People with certain digestive issues, in
particular lactose intolerance, do not produce this enzyme, which leads to stomach pain when
consuming milk products and sugar cravings. Interesting.
Week Four
While still taking 27 billion, I had another surprise: my planter’s warts were going away. Rapidly. Those
who have had this creepy virus know that planter’s warts are next to impossible to get rid of, especially
without surgery or repeated application of chemicals like salicylic acid. I looked to Balch’s Prescription
for Natural Cures for more information, and sure enough, acidophilus is considered a reliable treatment
for viruses like planter’s warts. Huh. Bonus. Now about those eyes...
Week Five
Though a small amount of flakiness persisted, the redness from around my eyes vanished. For some
dumb reason, this re-convinced me of my immortality, and I decided to indulge in celebratory massive
sugar consumption and beer drinking. Needless to say: within 48 hours the eczema and eye-itchiness
returned, and I developed a mild upper-respiratory infection. I re-committed to the heavier dosage, and
called myself a dumb ass.
Week Six
The natural pharmacy was out of the Jarrow brand I usually use, so I decided to try something different.
Big mistake. I'm certain there are a thousand reliable products out there, but I chose poorly. Three
times. The newly returned symptoms worsen. Not happy.
Week Seven
Back to the Jarrow brand, my symptoms lessened. Eye redness disappeared, and the inner-arm spots
faded. I decided that I would continue the heavy dosage for one week, and then drop down to 20 billion.
After a week at that level, I would decrease again to 15.
Overall, after 15 weeks of acidophilus consumption
In the midst of winter, my allergy pill consumption has lessened, and the redness and flakiness around
my eyes has disappeared. The eczema spots only reappear on the inside of my arms when I either a.)
consume an alcoholic beverage other than vodka, or b.) eat an entire bag of mint M&Ms over a single
weekend. I thought winter was the worst time of year for me because of the cold weather, but now I’m
pretty convinced it’s directly proportional to the increased number of tasty sugar offerings.
I give acidophilus 4 gold stars. Taking a steady dose of at least 10 billion micros, available in (thankfully)
tiny little pills has lead to truly blissful digestion, and overall relief of the most annoying of my allergy
symptoms. I’m now able to sleep for longer stretches of time because the itchiness doesn’t wake me up,
and my skin has a healthier glow to it. My lungs feel clearer, and I feel less vulnerable to outside
diseases. Even the bruises I managed to acquire with my recent bike calamity have healed faster than
they normally would. I encourage anyone with digestive issues, yeast issues, or chronic infections to try
acidophilus after consulting with a doctor or naturopath.
Rating:
